Heartbreak

This morning my heart broke right in two...for my son.  For the first time in, I think, forever, he did not make a team he tried out for.  He did not make the baseball team. 

There are plenty of reasons, plenty of explanations, plenty of blessings in disguise, no doubt.  But when your son is heart broken, you are heart broken.  When you can see the deep disappointment in his posture, his face, the tone of his voice...it is more powerful than I can express.

I had a feeling we might come up against this - they are only fielding one team, one team of a dozen, maybe.  And there were at least 30 kids who tried out.  That's not great odds when you are one of the youngest boys in your class, when you haven't "matured" like your athlete classmates, when you are only 5'10" and the other 1st basemen are 6'2" and 6'4".  But we didn't think like that.  He got his gear ready for practice today.  I prayed, visualized, prayed some more and bargained with God...and then took it back, because I know He knows what is best...and then I negotiated...and took it back and decided to be thankful for all we have and to turn it back over to Him and then thought about bargaining some more...when is the same as bargaining...because He knows!  I sat with my phone at my side as they took off to check the list and knew, but wouldn't admit I knew when I didn't get a text or a pic of the list. 

And then the door opened.  Peanut came in first...and made that subtle face that said "nope".  My son and husband went right up the stairs...made it halfway before he just couldn't go any farther.  That's where I found them...together, half-way up the steps...with hearts breaking.  Trying to be positive and even act like it just wasn't any big deal...we'd play Spring Ball somewhere else....but you can't fool a mother.  We're connected.

I didn't say anything.  I hugged him, sat with them, and we moved on.  He and his Daddy talked some.  I have faith that my husband is the one to have the perfect words at a time like this.  I stayed silent.  Moved about doing my regular thing, stopping by occasionally to kiss his beautiful face or put my hands on his back.  My words didn't feel right.  My prayers felt perfect.  I prayed while I made beds, prayed while I held him.  Felt how truly I trusted that God has this.  That it will all be okay and somehow for the best.  But my heart still aches.  I love my son in a way I never knew was possible.  He frustrates the heck out of me, he is a mystery as he is becoming a young man, but he is precious.  He is sunshine.  He is my son.  I want his life to be... Easy.  Charmed.  Effortless.  Meaningful.  With purpose.  Full of light.  I want for him the things I didn't have.  I want him to know in his heart what he was put on this Earth for.  I want him to know how proud we are of him.  I want him to be proud of himself.  Full of confidence.

Not making a baseball team is in some ways trivial...but today it is the elephant in every room.  It is the elephant that is sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe, breaking my heart in two.  It is the thing that will hopefully bring me patience, kind words, insight and guidance in what needs to be said and done.  For my son.