I want so much for my kids. I don't spend a lot of time articulating specifics - but I know exactly what I want for them. I want satisfaction. Happiness. Self-love. Good health. Love. Passion. Great instincts to make good choices. A forever friend. Just the right amount of luck. Faith. Appreciation. A strong Work Ethic. History to ground them in who they are and where they come from. To know deep in their soul how much they are loved.
I also catch myself wanting for them things opposite of me.
My son is sensitive, an easy crier, a young man who feels deeply for others and who desperately yearns for a fair and just world. He is just like me in all matters of empathy. I do NOT want that for him at the same time I DO want that for him.
My daughter is strong, stubborn, requires a LOT of space when pushed or challenged. She is independent, the first to tell you everything is fine/wonderful/perfect. She is defensive and strong and loud and dug-in. She is just like me in all things independent.. I do NOT want this for her, but understand how valuable it is for her to have this independence.
The reality is, I know the particular challenges these personality traits have held for me and above all else, we want life to be easier for our kiddos that it was for us. Maybe that's why I want something different for them. But c'mon! What is better than recognizing yourself in your child? Aside from the fact that I melt at the mere thought of my children, noticing me in them - words, actions, expressions - makes me especially melty.
Last night Peyton had a meltdown. It took nearly an hour to get to the bottom of it (which was exhausting for all of us), but it all boiled down to her fighting her independence. She wanted to be a "family" - all of us in the big chair watching a show and having some dessert. Together. A FAMILY. All of us. You would have never guessed that from how the meltdown started. But after much discussion, an ultimatum and the entire getting ready for bedtime routine, it came out. She didn't want to ASK to be a family - because she doesn't need anyone. She wanted it to morph into her perfect picture of how the evening should be. Without letting anyone else in on her vision. How I wish I could have read between her lines and made a magic evening for her. I didn't - none of us did. But it gave me an opportunity to see inside her heart and probably color a lot of our conflicts with a gentler brush from now on. Blessed little one.
Raising kids really is the most interesting thing in the world.
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